Time for Earthlings to jump ship?

By LARRY WOODY

According to Stephen Hawking the earth is doomed.

That's pretty depressing, especially if you've just bought some green bananas or signed a time-share agreement on a beachfront condo.

But wait -- just because life as we know it is about to come to an end, it's not as bad as it sounds.

Hawkins says there's "still time to get humanity off the planet."

In other words we can make a break for it. Relocate. Move to a better neighborhood.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the solar system.

Hawking, the creepy genius who makes Einstein look like a 4th-grade dropout, advocates establishing temporary space colonies. That will buy us little time -- say, a few centuries -- while we search for a permanent hospitable planet.

Hawking is convinced there are planets out there somewhere capable of supporting intelligent life. Unfortunately, of course, that leaves out the Kardashians. Looks like they're stuck here on earth.

Meanwhile, we Earthlings need to get cracking. By Hawkins' calculations we have somewhere between 1,000 and 10,000 years before this wobbling old rock we call home falls apart.

I know what you're thinking: what's the rush? We've got maybe 10,000 years before the warranty expires.

Yeah right; that's what the dinosaurs thought too. Then one morning they looked out the window and a giant inter-galactic wrecking ball was headed their way.

Traveling to a new and distant planet is not exactly a cruise to the beach. We'll need to pack a lunch. A big one.

Also, we'd better make sure to go before we go, if you get my drift. The next exit may be 9 gadzillion light-years down the road.

Mom (to squirming kids): "I TOLD you to go back at Mars!"

Mom (to sweating dad): "Slow down, you're going seven million miles an hour! Watch out for that meteorite! Oh look -- a quilt store!"

Dad (squinting at a space-map): "Hummmm ... I think we might should have taken a left out of Pluto ...")

Before we pack up, turn off the stove and abandon Mother Earth, it seems like we should have some idea about where we're headed. It's not like we're visiting Aunt Melba in Muncie for the weekend.

We can't simply cruise the universe looking for a planet with a "For Sale" sign in the yard -- preferably one with a good view and Sports Channel access.

Hawking says he's working on those minor details, like where to go and how to get there.

Even though I'll miss the old home place, the thought of loading up Ma and the young'ns in our space wagon and heading off into the wild blue yonder is pretty exciting. We'll be inter-galactic pioneers rolling down the Milky Way.

Also, it's fun to think about skipping out on the cable bill.

So don't just stand there -- start packing. The earth is melting and the clock is ticking.

Last one out turn off the lights.