Woody: A cold hearted lawsuit

By LARRY WOODY

A customer at a drive-thru recently filed suit because some hot coffee sloshed on her.

Wonder if she's related to the customer who sued Starbucks because HER coffee had too much ice?

The trial lawyers are covered either way. Too hot? Sue. Too cold? Sue.

In fairness, the plaintiff in the cold-coffee case wasn't as upset over the temperature of the caffeine as she was about being short-changed. She claimed too much ice resulted in too little coffee in her cup.

Poor thing! We can only imagine the emotional distress she endured.

As the trial lawyers like to say, she deserves to be paid for what she went through.

Maybe $5 million would perk her up.

It's good to know someone is on top of such shenanigans. One day they're putting too much ice in our coffee and the next day civilization is crumbling.

We'd better heed history: the ancient Romans started putting too much ice in their Starbucks and nobody spoke up. Next thing they knew, a short-order cook was putting too much mustard on Caesar's hot dog.

Suddenly the empire was in ruins.

While Rome burned, Nero fiddled with his cappuccino.

Meanwhile back home, the too-hot/too-cold coffee controversy is reminiscent of the case of Goldilocks vs. the Three Bears.

We all know the story: the first bowl of porridge was too hot. The second bowl of porridge was too cold. The third bowl of porridge was just right, but Goldilocks sued the bears anyway for growling at her.

The case was eventually settled out of court. Goldilocks got her own reality show, and the three bears changed their name and moved to Montana.

Personal-injury suits have become so goofy it's hard to separate fact from fiction, but this one is true: a New York woman sued her 12-year-old nephew, claiming he hugged her too hard at his birthday party. The aggrieved aunt said $127,000 would ease her pain.

A judge -- showing refreshingly good judgment -- threw out the lawsuit.

The kid afterwards said he didn't hold any ill will toward his aunt, although he avoided giving her a hug as they left the courtroom.

I'm tempted to sue trial lawyers over those inane TV commercials portraying giddy clients celebrating their big settlements. They cause chronic nausea.

They way they're cavorting you'd think they had hit the lottery instead of being hit by an 18-wheeler on I-24.

I suppose they did indeed hit the lawsuit jackpot. That's why they are celebrating their fractured pelvis by doing the jitterbug.

As for the over-iced coffee case, it's about time someone had the courage to stand up to The Man and say, "No more!" Ice, I mean.

For those who think it trivial, don't forget our forefathers fought long and hard against over-icing. Remember frozen Valley Forge? Blame Starbucks.

We endured and persevered, and today we enjoy the right to life, liberty and temperature-controlled caffeine.

Patrick Henry put it best: "I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me a latte or give me death!"