Woody: Bigfoot? pops up during blizzard

By LARRRY WOODY

During the recent northeast blizzard, here was a reported sighting of a Yeti -- better known as Sasquatch or Bigfoot.

The witness said the hulking creature was covered in scruffy hair, smelled to high heaven, and was "totally gross."
Turned out he had spotted Michael Moore, not a Yeti.

I'm kidding. Michael Moore is not nearly that attractive.

As I read the Yeti-sighting account, I was reminded of a story I wrote several years ago for a national magazine about Bigfoot sightings in the Southeast.

The first challenge I faced was deciding what is the plural of "Bigfoot."

Did the witness encounter two "Bigfoots" or did she see two "Bigfeet?"

I finally got around the problem this way:

"Mrs. Inez Dooterwad said she looked out in her backyard one night and saw a Bigfoot standing in the moonlight. She looked again, and shouted to her husband, "Lordy, there's two of them!"

North America Bigfoot sightings go all the way back to the Native Americans, who had no motive to make it up just to get interviewed by Geraldo.

More currently, there is a weekly program on the Animal Planet cable station called "Finding Bigfoot." It is devoted entirely to, well, finding Bigfoot.

It's been on for about a year, and so far they haven't found one.

The show consists of "researchers" going out into the woods at night and wandering around with spooky lighting, an idea stolen from The Blair Witch Project. They carry highly sensitive sound-detection equipment that can pick up a cricket sneezing in the next county. Every once in awhile they hear something.

BOB: "Did you hear that?"

JANET: "Yes! It sounded like a Bigfoot howling!

DAN: "It was definitely a Bigfoot!"

RALPH: "Oops, sorry -- it was just me. I stepped in a hole."

While doing research for the magazine story I interviewed several alleged eye-witnesses, but I'm not convinced there is such a thing as a Bigfoot. It think it's probably a myth, spawned by shadowy sightings of bears, cows or Rush Limbaugh.

The lady who claimed to have seen two Bigfeet, for example, showed me exactly where they were standing in her backyard. They were right beside the flower bed where the flying saucer had landed earlier.

Other witnesses were more credible. A deer hunter said a Bigfoot walked under his tree stand one morning, "so close that I could have reached down and patted it on the head." If he had felt like it. Which he didn't.

Wildlife biologists insist there is no such creature as Bigfoot. No physical evidence has ever been found, such as hair, poo or cigar butts with Bigfoot DNA. Plaster imprints of giant footprints have been procured, most of which turned out to have been made by LeBron James.

Skeptics contend if a Bigfoot actually existed, he would have already been signed by the World Wrestling Federation.

However, if you see one (hypothetically speaking), don't mess with it. Mythical or not, Bigfoot is a protected species, like Queen Elizabeth. Remain calm, lock your doors, and -- keeping a close eye on the shaggy, malodorous brute -- call Geraldo.

Chances are it's only Michael Moore, but you never know ...