Woody: Column gets them howling

By LARRY WOODY

A recent tongue-in-cheek column about the American Kennel Club's "Good Citizen Program" got some doggie-defenders howling mad.

They're barking up the wrong tree. They need to loosen their flea collars a bit and relax.I was only kidding about Citizen Canine.

I was only kidding about Citizen Canine.The only portion of the column based on fact was the part about how lazy my late old Lab Buddy was. His idea of exercise was walking over to his food dish. He didn't know any tricks, or if he did he kept them to himself.

The only portion of the column based on fact was the part about how lazy my late old Lab Buddy was. His idea of exercise was walking over to his food dish. He didn't know any tricks, or if he did he kept them to himself.Buddy had a sense of entitlement. He seemed to consider the world his personal fire hydrant. But, spoiled as he was, he was still a great dog, even though he almost certainly would have flunked out of the Good Citizen Program.

Buddy had a sense of entitlement. He seemed to consider the world his personal fire hydrant. But, spoiled as he was, he was still a great dog, even though he almost certainly would have flunked out of the Good Citizen Program.The rest of the column was made up. Well, except for the part about Dog Shows. Some of that was true, based on my observations from covering bygone pooch parades for the newspaper I worked for.

The rest of the column was made up. Well, except for the part about Dog Shows. Some of that was true, based on my observations from covering bygone pooch parades for the newspaper I worked for.That was when my career started going to the dogs.

That was when my career started going to the dogs.No, seriously, I enjoyed the assignment. Dog-show folks are an interesting breed.

No, seriously, I enjoyed the assignment. Dog-show folks are an interesting breed.If you've never seen the 2002 film, "Best In Show," you've missed one of the funniest movies ever made. The cast includes Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Jane Lynch, Fred Willard and other hilarious zanies.

If you've never seen the 2002 film, "Best In Show," you've missed one of the funniest movies ever made. The cast includes Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Jane Lynch, Fred Willard and other hilarious zanies.I'm not saying ALL dog-show people are like the ones in the movie. But some are.

I'm not saying ALL dog-show people are like the ones in the movie. But some are.I once got chewed like an old loafer by a show-dog owner because I petted her pooch. The dog was sitting on a table, getting his toenails trimmed, as I walked by. I stepped over and patted him on the head. His owner went bonkers.

I once got chewed like an old loafer by a show-dog owner because I petted her pooch. The dog was sitting on a table, getting his toenails trimmed, as I walked by. I stepped over and patted him on the head. His owner went bonkers.You'd have thought I gave Cher a noogie at the hair salon.

You'd have thought I gave Cher a noogie at the hair salon.I learned dog-show people are finicky. Keep your mitts off their mutts.

I learned dog-show people are finicky. Keep your mitts off their mutts.Most of the show dogs were well-behaved and mannerly, although there was one bulldog who kept trying to lick the competition.

Most of the show dogs were well-behaved and mannerly, although there was one bulldog who kept trying to lick the competition.
"Accidents" were common as show-time approached. I suppose it was because the dogs were nervous, although I've never noticed a similar problem with Miss America contestants.

Some of the doggie-dandies had cedar shavings in their cages, even though one of the irate e-mailers disputed it. I don't know why it's a big deal, but I'll concede the point -- even if some of the cages smelled like my grandma's clothes hamper.

I made up the part about Alpo. I have no idea what show dogs eat, although one evening I saw a Pomeranian wearing a lobster bib.

For the record, I never saw a single flea on any of the dogs that were paraded around the shows at downtown Municipal Auditorium. Every dog, to my knowledge, was flea-free. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said of some of the panhandlers lounging on the street outside

Ditto for ticks! I assume someone carefully inspects each show dog for ticks before they appear in public, just as they do with Queen Elizabeth.
And finally, I shouldn't have presumed to speak for show dogs when I speculated that they would enjoy rolling in manure and chasing a groundhog...just because my cousin Ernie does.

I trust this clears up any misunderstandings about show dogs and their owners, and sets their tails a-wagging. The dogs', I mean.