Woody: Geese don't need nupitals

By LARRY WOODY

read the other day Canada geese mate for life, while one out of four human marriages ends up in a nasty fight over who gets the dog in the divorce settlement.

I know a young lady who went into her marriage with a negative attitude. She said she planned to name her first baby Al or Allie. As in Alimony.

My buddy Earle has been married, divorced, and re-married so many times that's he's developed an allergy to rice.

Earle's last marriage broke up when he was caught cavorting with a brides maid during the wedding rehearsal.

Earle's ex, Melba wasn't paying much attention to the straying groom. She had decided that Earle's best man really WAS the best man. Later, when that marriage was on the rocks, she ran off with her marriage counselor.

They've been through so many broken marriages they both have their divorce lawyer's number on speed-dial.

Geese don't have that problem. When they honk their wedding vows they mean it. They may migrate north but their marriages never go south.

Nobody knows why geese get along so well, living together year after year in matrimonial harmony.

It's not as though they take long walks on the beach nor have romantic candlelight dinners.

From what I've seen of geese activities, they do a lot of things on a beach but taking a long walk isn't one of them.

And their idea of a romantic dinner is gobbling down a June bug.

Maybe their marriages last so long because guy geese, as a rule, don't have attractive young office secretaries.

But for whatever reasons, wildlife biologists who have studied the life-cycle of Canada geese have found if one of the partners meets with misfortune, the surviving goose lives the rest of its life as a single.

That's kinda sad when you think about it.

If I was a guy gander whose goose got cooked, I wouldn't want my spouse -- let's call her Gladys -- to live the rest of her life moping around alone. (Just a thought: the Moping Goose would be a great name for a sports bar.)

I'd want her to cash in my life insurance policy and make the singles scene. Book a cruise on a fancy ocean liner. Sign up for a Zumba workout class. Enter rumba contests. Become a regular at Happy Hour.

My only word of caution would be to avoid those internet dating sites -- you never know when someone claiming to be a goose is really a turkey.

If she met another guy goose and they hit it off, fine. They could grow old and gray together, playing shuffleboard at the Old Gander's Home.

But that's not in a goose's nature. They believe there's one and only one life-partner for them, and when he or she is gone, that's it. From then on it's Singles City for the survivor.

Sad in a way, but also kinda sweet -- like Love Story, with feathers!