Woody: Glad Elvis didn't live to see this

By LARRY WOODY

I still remember that long-ago evening when Elvis shimmied out on the stage of the Ed Sullivan Show and started gyrating.

It was pointed out later the camera didn't show anything below the belt, but I didn't notice at the time became I was distracted when my mom swooned and hit her head on the coffee table as my dad threw himself over the TV like a GI diving on a hand grenade.

A nation was shocked as flocks of goofy Elvis-addled teenage girls squealed, wriggled and drooled.

Meanwhile goofy teenage boys (me) started wearing their hair in oil-slick ducktails and practicing curling their upper lip in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to imitate the King in hopes of attracting some of that wriggle-and-drool action our way.

My grandma said we were all headed to Hades in a hand-basket, accompanied to the tune of "You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog."

Our parents were convinced if the atom bomb didn't get us, Elvis would.

I was reminded of the bygone Elvis Scare the other night when I saw a video clip of a Beyonce performance.

It melted my Slushie.

I hadn't seen anything like that since Ralph and Booger and I used fake IDs to gain entry to the hoochie-koochie carney show. When the stage lights came on, Booger immediately reached puberty.

But Beyonce wasn't performing in some dim-lit carney tent. She was cavorting on-stage on national TV, with the lights on and everything.

She may have been singing, too; I'm not sure. The details -- like Beyonce's outfit -- are kinda skimpy. I've seen more cloth on a silkworm.

Remember when Beyonce performed at halftime of the Super Bowl and the players had to go back and take a cold shower before the second half?

Before Beyonce there was Miley Cyrus doing something called twerking.

According to the internet definition, "twerking" involves "dancing to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements in a low, squatting stance."

And we thought what Elvis did was lewd? Miley's twerking makes Elvis look like he was picking beans.

Like Beyonce, I think Miley may also sing while she twerks. It's hard to tell, especially when she's swinging naked on a wrecking ball.

Kate Smith never sang naked from a wrecking ball. Thank goodness.

At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, I am concerned about the "music" our young people are listing to nowadays. I can't turn it off because I don't know how to operate the kids' iPhone.

It's not just that the "singers" are cavorting around in their birthday suits, but the lyrics sound like they were written by bawdy sailors, glorifying stuff I'm fairly certain is illegal in most states.

Let's just say the lyrics don't include, "Love me tender ..."

Somewhere Elvis is gyrating in his grave.