Woody: Global warming gets him hot under collar

By LARRY WOODY

Last week thousands of screeching protestors converged on Wall Street to vent their wrath over Global Warming. They were really steamed.

One news report described the occasion as "the largest march ever on Global Warming." I thought they changed the name to "Climate Change" after last year's Global Warming summit had to be canceled due to a blizzard. Protestors were worried about freezing to death while complaining about the heat.

Since much of Global Warming is blamed on emissions from automobiles, I assume the protestors traveled to New York on scooters and skateboards.

Methane gas also contributes to Global Warming, with cows being the primary culprits. So I suppose that after we park our cars, we'll have to shoot Ol' Bessie.

I don't want to throw cold water on the Global Warming movement, but I recall that in the 1970s global-climate experts took a slightly different stance. They warned that another Ice Age was headed our way.
They said scientific evidence proved that the planet was cooling degree by degree, and it was only a matter of time before we all were turned into homosapien-flavored popsicles.
They said the planet's freshwater would freeze harder than Simon Cowell's heart, agriculture would be doomed, it would be too nippy for nighttime baseball, and other unpleasant side effects.

On a positive note, however, ice hockey would really take off.

It never happened. The Big Freeze was a Big Flop.

The climate experts turned out to be about as bright as one of those low-energy light bulbs.
Now other climate experts claim that instead of freezing to death we're all going to end up like micro-waved burritos. They say the polar ice caps will melt, the sea level will rise, and most of California -- including Barbara Streisand -- will be submerged. (Of course there might also be some negative stuff.)

May I raise my hand for a question: what happened to the last Ice Age? About 12,000 years ago much of North America was covered by giant glaciers -- some as large as Rosie O'Donnell, but with a better personality.
As the glaciers grated along they gouged out huge pits that filled with ice-melt to form the Great Lakes and left behind the scarred landscape of Canada. (National motto: "Some Boulders, Eh?")

Where did those glaciers go?
(Hint: they melted.)

What caused them to melt?

(Another hint: heat.)

Yep, thousands of years ago the planet experienced a glacier-melting warm spell. And it can't be blamed on noxious gases emitted from cars, cows and Joe Biden.

Maybe it was caused by the smoke from cave-man campfires.

Org (incensed): "Hey, put out that fire! You want to destroy the planet?"

Gruk (shivering): "But if I do, I'll freeze to death."

Org (huffily): "What, you've never heard of solar panels?"

I'm not necessarily a denier about Global Warming. Maybe, like the infield fly rule and Queen Elizabeth's job description, it's just too complicated for me to grasp.

However, I keep going back to the bell-bottomed "climate experts" in the 70's who smugly assured us that the earth was cooling. Now their present-day counterparts have changed the doomsday prophecy from freeze to fry.
I wish they'd make up their mind so I could decide whether to buy shorts or long pants.