Woody: If you aren't fibbing, you're not fishing

By LARRY WOODY

There's a new fishing pole on the market that can be connected to a mobile app and tell you when you get a bite.

It can also be programmed to land the fish, clean it, and take it back to the cabin, where it will fry it in a skillet.

While the fish is cooking, the app will fetch you a beverage, scratch your skeeter bites and turn on the Sports Channel.

If you take it with you to lunch, it'll flirt with the waitress.

For a few bucks more it will fib to your buddies about how big the fish was.

I like that last part best. Fibbing has always been part of fishing.

The way I see it, we're doing our listeners a favor when we exaggerate a tad. Who wants to hear a boring story about how you reeled in a stunted 6-inch perch while standing on the dock in your Speedos?

But you'll have them on the edge of their seats when you relate your wilderness encounter with a fearsome razor-toothed Northern pike that would have easily weighed 20 pounds. If you had landed it, that is.

Unfortunately the fish -- which was probably closer to 30 pounds -- snagged the line on a submerged stump. When you swam out to free it, you found yourself trapped in the middle of a writhing throng of venomous water moccasins.

Gripping your fishing pole in your teeth while fending off the attacking reptiles, you managed to untangle the line. But just as you started to crank in the thrashing fish -- a solid 40-pounder -- bikini model Kate Upton roared past on a Ski Doo and accidentally snipped the line.

Kate was so distressed at having lost your 50-pound pike she insisted on treating you to dinner and inviting you over to her cabana for a nightcap.

Now THAT'S how you tell a fish story.

In terms of fish size, it's important to understand the concept of "Anglers Math." Eight inches equals a foot. Two pounds equals four pounds. Add at least one pound per fish to allow for evaporation.

When using Anglers Math to count the number of fish caught, simply take the sum total and multiply by two. If, for example, a fisherman caught 15, that amounts to a total of 30.

To compensate for Global Warming and a slumping Dow Jones Average, a couple more fish should be added for good measure.

It's sort of like the Metric System, only easier to understand.

According to the Angler's Code you never question the size of another man's fish. If he holds up a guppy and claims it's a sailfish, you slap him on the back and say, "Way to go!"

Then you proudly show him YOUR guppy sailfish.

I have a fishing buddy who insists he never exaggerates the size or weight of his catch. To prove it, he has a special scales at his home on which he weighs each fish he catches for confirmation.

Awhile back his wife gave birth. My buddy used his special fish scales to weigh the new arrival, and discovered he was the proud pop of a 26-pound, 10-ounce baby girl.