Woody: Naked versus NEKKID

By LARRY WOODY

Since we have no more pressing domestic issues confronting us, it’s great to see the FBI throwing its full weight and resources behind the Great Naked Celebrity Photo caper.

Our G-men are now G-string men.

I’ll bet J. Edgar Hoover would be proud to see his crime-busing Bureau covering the case of the uncovered starlets.
In case you missed it, some Hollywood actresses are pitching a fit because somebody has acquired “revealing photos” of them and posted said photos on the internet.

They’re furious, and demand to know how it could happen.

Here’s a clue about how it happened: they took off their clothes and let somebody take pictures of them in their birthday suits. That’s how.

If they hadn’t posed pose naked in front of a camera, there wouldn’t be any naked photos of them to post.
I realize that for most Hollywood starlets, with their IQ of tofu, that’s a difficult concept to grasp: no clothes, plus photographer, equals nude photos.

One of the miffed nudies is Jennifer Lawrence who frets that “more than 60 revealing images” of her have been posted. Sixty naked photos? Good grief. One’s a snapshot, 60 is a family album. Doesn’t Jennifer own a robe?

Another of the undressed distressed is Kate Upton, although I’m not sure what she’s so peeved about. Anyone who saw Kate’s photo spread in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has already seen about all there is to see of Kate.
And Ms. Upton certainly didn’t seem uptight when she performed her famous “Cat Daddy” dance for the cameras, the video of which has long been posted for public consumption. (I have watched it a couple of times, strictly for research purposes.)

Today, instead of “The Naked and the Dead,” we’ve got “The Naked and the Dumb.”

My late pal Lewis Grizzard once explained the difference between “naked” and its Southern pronunciation, “Nekkid.”
“Naked” means you have no clothes on.

“Nekkid” means you have no clothes on and are up to something.

I suspect that the birthday-suit ladies were “nekkid.”

How’d you like to have been a fly on the wall (with all of its 800 eyes popping out) when Kate Upton agreed to pose naked?

Kate: “Well, OK, you can snap some photos of me buck-naked -- but only if you promise to never, ever, ever show them to anyone. And you especially have to promise never to put them on that whatchamacallit -- the internet.”

Photographer (wiping the drool off his lens): “I’m hurt, Kate. Do you actually think I’d peddle nude photos of you to some sleazy internet site for hundreds of thousands of dollars?”

Kate: “Jeepers, I suppose not. If you can’t trust a nude photographer, who can you trust?”
Photographer: “Exactly. Say cheese.”

Now, of course, the peek-a-boo photos are out there, and the disrobed damsels are in a dither. They are demanding that something be done about it, pronto.

Harried investigators have a message for the impatient nekkid ladies:

“Hey, we’re working as fast as we can -- keep your pants on.”