Woody: The Tale of the (sex) tape

By LARRY WOODY

Professional wrestler Hulk Hogan recently was awarded $140 million after suing an internet outfit for releasing a sex tape of him with his former best friend's wife.

The jury ruled what the Hulkster was shown doing was not faked -- perhaps a first for him.

Hogan got $55 million for "economic injuries" and $60 million for "emotional distress." The jury, feeling generous, tacked on another $25 million for "good measure."

Upon hearing the verdict, the defense attorney leapt off the turnbuckle, put a pile-driver on the jury foreman, and pinned him with an Albanian hammer-lock.

While the judge was distracted, one of Hulk's lawyers sneaked up and whacked the defense lawyer over the head with a metal folding chair, then threw sand in his eyes.

His defense-team partner -- who practices under the name The Lavender Lawyer and goes to court wearing purple tights and a matching velvet cape -- pranced over and gave the pinned prosecutor a noogie.

The judge ordered members of the losing defense team to shave their heads and leave town. They demanded a re-match.

Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, goes around in public with a rag tied on his head. His line of work consists of rolling around on a mat with big, sweaty guys named the Zombie Embalmer, the Human Intestinal Tapeworm and the Toxic Outhouse Avenger. Half-naked and locked inside a chicken-wire cage, they gouge eyes, bite ears and drip fake blood while ring-side yokels scream for more. (And the Hulk considers appearing in a sex tape UNDIGNIFIED? Seems like a step up for him.)

After the court-room ruckus settled down, Hulk phoned a friend and invited his pal to join him for a celebratory toddy. (His 'FORMER' best friend being a tad stand-offish!)

Hogan's invitation to his backup buddy was declined -- mentioned something about staying home to keep an eye on his wife.

It's friends like the Hulkster who keep divorce lawyers in Porsches and yachts.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't get all this sex-tape stuff. Apparently every Hollywood celebrity feels compelled to make one, with the (whew!) exception of Whoopie Goldberg.

After the tape invariably goes public, the celebrities are upset, absolutely INCENSED.

Which makes you wonder: did they think they were taping a show for the Disney Channel?

Guy Celebrity: "I'm bored. Let's pop some popcorn and make a sex tape."

Gal Celebrity: "OK. As long as you're sure nobody else will see it."

Guy Celebrity: "Trust me -- it'll be just you and me...and Gus the cameraman...and Fred the lighting director...and my cousin Joe, who owns a sleazy internet company.

When the tape inevitably goes viral the first thing the chagrined celebrities do, after putting on their pants, is call a lawyer and sue.

In hindsight (maybe a poor choice of words, since it was hinds being in sight that caused all the trouble) here are some ideas that could have saved the Hulkster a lot of aggravation:

(1) Don't mess around with your best friend's wife.

(2) If you're low-down enough to do it, don't video-tape it.

(3) When the video goes public, do the honorable thing and go crawl in a hole.

(4) Don't hire a lawyer and claim to be embarrassed and humiliated; you forfeited the right to both when you did Nos.1 and 2 and refused to do No. 3.