Woody: There goes the bride

By LARRY WOODY

On their way home from their honeymoon, a German groom forgot his bride at a filling station when he stopped for gas.

Her mother tried to tell her it wouldn't last.

According to the AP story, the woman was snoozing in the back seat when her new husband pulled into a gas station. Unbeknownst to him, his bride hopped out to use the privy and he drove off without her.

Two and a half hours later, he noticed she was gone.

The man was obviously a newly-wed; later in the marriage he'll learn that no wife can possibly ride for two and a half hours in an automobile without telling her husband to slow down.

The husband called police to report that he'd somehow misplaced his bride. They eventually traced her back to the filling station, where, according to the story, "she was patiently waiting."

Yeah, right.

I don't profess to being an expert on wives, but one thing I've learned over the years is that if you go off and leave one behind at a gas station, she won't be "patiently waiting" when you go back for her three hours later.

I assume that on the return trip, he picked up a U-Haul and loaded it with candy and flowers to soothe the abandoned bride.

Still, he's going to hear about it for the rest of his life.

They'll be in a fancy restaurant 50 years from now, celebrating their Golden Anniversary, and when she opens a box containing a sparking diamond necklace she'll snip, "Nice. Where'd you get it? A gas station?"

Or: "Be sure and check the gas gage before he head home tonight. We wouldn't want THAT to happen again, would we?"

After 50 years -- half a century -- she'll remember every detail, right down to the oil stains on the coveralls of Joe the gas station attendant, and the color of the  '98 Volvo that was brought in with a bad transmission.

She won't share any of the blame, of course, even though SHE was the one who bailed out.

What's the groom supposed to do when he gets back in the car? Check to see if his bladder-challenged bride is still snoring in the back seat?

How come she was asleep back there anyway? Why wasn't she sitting up front with her new husband, chatting excitedly about their new life together and nagging him about his driving, the way wives are supposed to do?

Nope, she decides to sack out in the back and leave all the driving to him. Then -- without a word -- she hops out and skedaddles off to the Little Girls Room -- and gets herself left behind.

It'll be interesting to know if the marriage survives the post-nuptial pit stop. Ten years from now a reporter ought to track down the couple and see how they're doing:

The reporter rings the doorbell and when Bob (the groom) comes to the door, yawning and scratching, he's asked how he and Mavis (the bride) are getting along.

"Mavis? Ohmygosh!" says Bob, smacking his forehead, grabbing his coat and running toward the garage.

"I left her at Walmart!"